Top Chef, S12E03.

My latest column for Insiders is on the Giants and Royals using the draft well, especially in the first round. I also had my weekly Klawchat.

This week’s safe word is “hammered.”

* So we start in the stew room with Aaron and Keriann still sniping at each other and Ron telling them, “don’t act like fucking children,” which, of course, makes them act more like fucking children.

* Meanwhile, we get some bio info on Aaron, saying he grew up in a broken home with no discipline, no father figure, and apparently not a very active mother since he says his sister helped raise him. That could certainly build empathy for him if he wasn’t treating half his colleagues like peons. He says, “People view me as the cocky little asshole who likes to talk shit,” without any apparent irony or self-awareness. Maybe they view you that way because that’s what you are and what you do?

* Quickfire: Ming Tsai (of Wellesley restaurant Blue Ginger) is here for another sudden death QF. It’s a tea challenge, since we’re in Boston, but Tsai reports the myth that Americans drink coffee because tea culture died after the Tea Party and the association of tea with the Brits. (It’s more likely that we became a coffee-drinking country because importing coffee from Brazil was cheaper than importing tea from China.) The challenge is to make a dish highlighting tea, where each chef is randomly assigned a type of tea, some of which turn out to be incredibly awful.

* Adam is complaining that he got monkfish cheeks because Adam snagged the yellowtail. I thought cheeks were a desirable cut of any meat or fish; shouldn’t a chef on this show be thrilled to get them?

* Rebecca tells the camera that she’s a real double threat because she can do savory dishes and pastry. That sort of bragging always ends well on this show.

* Varieties of tea include lemongrass pomegranate rooibos (a tisane, not true tea because it isn’t from the Camellia sinensis plant), white tea with strawberry, chocolate salt tea, and toasted nut oolong, alongside more traditional varieties like gen mai cha, a Japanese blend of green tea and toasted rice that is actually amazing even though it sounds so strange.

* We see some of the dishes, but not all. Melissa’s seared duck breast with tea-infused jasmine rice gets very high marks. Katsuji did a gen mai cha broth with brown rice crusted tuna. Katie made a golden honey black tea panna cotta with poached asian pear in tea and lemon, certainly among the most visually appealing dishes and easiest to understand around the use of the tea. Mos Chef does a tuna crudo with strawberry white tea and young coconut; Ming says he normally hates fruit and fish combinations, but loves this one. Ron does a tea-crusted duck breast with polenta and a chocolate-salt tea mole. Padma hates that tea (so do I – chocolate teas are gross) but likes the use in the dish. Aaron seared the monkfish … and Padma says that the fish is “hammered,” overcooked nearly to the point of inedibility. James made a crispy skin trout with quinoa cooked in tea plus a prosecco and tea buerre blanc. Rebecca made a tea-infused cake with strawberries and fresh apple; Ming says she needed more liquid to drench cake and he doesn’t taste the tea enough.

* Top three were Melissa, for the tea-infused rice; Mos Chef, for the balance of the tea and fish; and Ron, for the use of the tea in the mole. The winner is Mos Chef, thanks to the precise use of the strawberry flavors in the tea.

* The least favorites: James’s dish had too much sauce, Aaron’s fish was way overcooked, Rebecca’s didn’t have enough tea flavor. Aaron is named the worst and the crowd goes wild … or they just smirk and nod and hope this is the end of Mr. Congeniality. He picks Katie for the elimination one-on-one and proceeds to insult her in front of everyone by saying “it’s an easy choice.” Keriann points out that his bluster about cooking her “under the table” wasn’t enough for him to choose her for this battle. The challenge is to cook without any heat other than the pots of boiling water on the stove.

* Katie says Aaron is young and immature (true) and that it would be “ridiculous” to lose to him (don’t say that).

* Aaron play on a spring roll, cooking shrimp wrapper in a ziploc in the water. Katie says he’s young and immature, would be “ridiculous” to lose to him. Making pasta, cooking veg in a bag to make sauce.

* Mos Chef says “everyone is secretly rooting for Katie,” and that Aaron is kind of a loudmouth. It doesn’t seem like he wants to come out and slam the guy, which speaks well of him … but I admit I’m enjoying watching everyone turn on Aaron for being such an ass.

* Aaron makes a spring roll using pureed shrimp that he boiled in a ziploc bag as the wrapper, filled with cucumber, carrot, mint, and raw peanuts. Katie made hand-cut saffron pappardelle, smoked mozzarella, tomato sauce, and fresh cherry tomatoes. Hers needed more sauce and salt, but I think Aaron using the gimmick of the shrimp as wrapper is why he won. We knew this anyway from last week’s previews, which showed him fighting with Katsuji in the stew room.

* Elimination challenge: Cooking at Fenway Park. The chefs must choose a classic ballpark snack – peanuts, pretzels, popcorn, fried dough – as inspiration for a fine dining dish. They have three hours to prep that day and an hour to finish the next day at the park.

* The guest diners will be … Dennis Eckersley and CHB. So, a guy not particularly known for his Red Sox tenure, and a writer known for atavistic, retrogressive viewpoints that run completely counter to the entire ethic of the show. Good choices, guys. How do you not go get Pedro Martinez for this? I’d listen to Pedro comment on anything. He could be a guest judge on Project Runway and it would be entertaining.

* Baseball is dying, but it seems like half of these chefs profess to be serious baseball fans. Ron takes his son a couple of times a year. Keriann’s a fan, Stacy’s a fan, Katie’s dad (who died last year of cancer) “loved slash hated” the Twins.

* James grabbed pretzels because everyone else was grabbing peanuts. He says he doesn’t like this challenge because he doesn’t eat much junk food; his restaurant uses ingredients from farmers and foragers.

* Watching Mos Chef use the mandolin terrifies me. I own two different kinds, and I use them, but there’s no question I’m going to slice off a finger at some point with one of them. You could probably shave with that blade.

* Katie is making thick free-form creme brulee and doesn’t know if it’s set. This also appears to be … foreshadowing. Meanwhile, Doug points out in the confessional that Keriann is nuts to try to cook short ribs in under three hours. Does nobody like to use the pressure cooker any more? If I were going on Top Chef, I’d make damn sure I knew how to use a pressure cooker to make all kinds of things. You’re facing timed challenges and it’s the best time-saver in the kitchen.

* Mos Chef is doing either yoga or tai chi in the morning; he says that earlier in his career, he was using drugs and partying too much, which cost him jobs and burned a lot of bridges. When he decided to get sober, he made a plan for the person he wanted to be and made “a lot of amends” with people he’d hurt or let down in the past. I don’t mean to compare drug addiction to anxiety, but his discussion of taking control of his recovery and of his initiative in rebuilding damaged relationships certainly reminded me of my own experiences.

* Look, Fenway just isn’t that nice. It’s not. It’s cramped and old and dirty. I get the nostalgia angle, and the current ownership group has made it way better than it used to be … but it’s still a really uncomfortable place to watch a ballgame.

* The concession stand kitchen is tiny. This shouldn’t be a shock. They should see the visitor’s clubhouse; I’ve seen studio apartments bigger than that.

* Katie has soup rather than brulée, and has to call an audible, whisking it into whipped cream to make a sort of soft mousse. Aaron, meanwhile, says that, “Miss Culinary Instructor bit off more than she can chew.” As Russell from Fat Albert would say, that guy is NCAA: No class at all.

* CHB starts bloviating the moment he sits down. “It’s like a church to (Sox fans). We’re sitting in church.” No, it’s not. It’s a baseball stadium. You’re sitting on a lawn, in a baseball stadium. Maybe I went to the wrong church growing up, but I don’t remember parishioners getting hammered, grieving widows telling the priest he sucked, and fights breaking out in the pews.

* Someone says “Oh Katie” – maybe she said it herself. She’s an emotional wreck at this point.

* First group serves: Aaron made a pretzel-wrapped rillette and spring pea tendril salad. Blais loves the presentation, Tom likes the sauces and sides, but Ming said the meat was too soft and mushy. Ron made a popcorn soup (which looks thicker than day-old grits) and a breaded fish croquette, with dill pickled celery and sun gold tomatoes. Ming likes the popcorn flavor in the soup, but the consensus is that the croquette, which was supposed to symbolize the baseball itself, was too big. Katie apologies before even saying what the dish is, which is usually the worst possible strategy. Don’t ever apologize before anyone’s even had to chance to tell you your dish isn’t good. You’re just showing weakness. And as it turns out, everyone loves the dish – popcorn mousse with blue cornmeal salted shortbread and a beer molasses pomegranate something something sorghum honeycomb something. Really, I have no idea what was in that.

* Good news – Hugh is there! Him, Blais, Tom, and Padma is the Murderers’ Row of Top Chef judges’ tables.

* Eck mentions giving up Kirk Gibson’s homer as his worst moment as a player, that “no one would look at” him as he walked off the field. Padma says he “should have played for the Yankees.” Like you didn’t already have enough trouble in Boston, Padma.

* Next group: Doug did a seared scallop with grilled corn, sweet corn sauce and popcorn, and piment d’espellette. Keriann’s beer-braised short rib with horseradish parsnip puree, crispy pretzel shallot, and fondue was, in fact, undercooked, and underseasoned. I’m still flabbergasted that Blais didn’t get up and drop a pressure cooker on her head right there. Katsuji did a savory bread pudding (using the fried dough) with mushroom, bacon, and braised-then-deep fried pork belly. Blais loves the repurposing. Hugh says belly is tough and “desiccated.” Maybe Katsuji shouldn’t have put those little “DO NOT EAT” packets in the braising liquid. I don’t think Katsuji is very long for this show, which is too bad, because I love his accent.

* Melissa made a corn and ramp soup with pickled ramps, fried calamari, truffle butter, and bacon popcorn. It’s a big hit – Ming loves the corn flavor, Tom loves the pickled ramps, everyone likes the surprise of the bacon popcorn. Mei made a seared pork loin with braised peanuts, peanut sauce, herb salad, and peanut brittle, but (shockingly for her) the pork is a little overcooked. Stacy did a seared scallop (is this Top Escallop?), pickled peanuts, and a peanut and sunchoke puree/emulsion. Hugh loves it, loves the pickled peanuts, loves the Thai flavors. Blais says maybe she’ll get to throw out a ceremonial first pitch at Fenway, after which Tom warns her that you “can’t bounce” a first pitch – and my respect for Tom just tripled with that comment. (Stacy had the perfect response: “I can throw a ball.” Like, don’t throws-like-a-girl me, bro.)

* If this set of contestants had to form a baseball team, Aaron and Adam agree Katsuji would be the catcher. Adam says the mask will get him to shut up for a minute. I just thought Katsuji was the one guy who was built like a catcher – short and stocky. Although Buster Posey doesn’t look anything like the stereotypical catcher and he seems to be doing okay.

* Mos Chef’s duck breasts look amazing. The color is pristine across every single piece. I don’t think they’re that easy to cook, at least not at that level of precision, because the gap between “not browned enough” and “burned” is so narrow.

* Third group: Rebecca did a roasted salmon with mustard and honey glaze and toasted pretzel streusel, pickled shallots dill and watercress, and a mustard creme fraiche underneath. Blais calls it a “clean, classy little dish.” That sounds like Philip Marlowe describing a woman. James’ lobster cake with pretzel panzanella and avocado buttermilk mousse came out mushy, which means either it wasn’t cooked to a high enough temp or he had too much filling and not enough lobster meat. Adam’s watermelon curry with peanut oil poached halibut, jalapeno and fresno chili salad didn’t fare well because the fish was – wait for it – “hammered.” Tom says he let up a homer in the 9th inning, but maybe he was just pitching to the score, Tom. Mos Chef made those seared duck breasts with peanut nam prik pao, peanut brittle, crispy shallots, anchovies, and a fresh herb salad. Hugh loves the pears, the scallions, all the bright flavors. Blais called it “Moneyball” because it was “a smart dish right here.” He actually used the term correctly, which is why we love Blais. CHB would have used the term Moneyball to insult a dish that walked a lot and couldn’t field.

* Tom begins the judging with the awkward “Fenway Park is a great metaphor for today’s challenge” line. I don’t know if that’s worse from a baseball perspective or a literary one.

* Today’s theme was badly cooked proteins. Katsuji’s pork belly, Mei’s pork loin, Keriann’s short ribs, Adam’s fish, James’ lobster, Aaron’s pork rillette. Top two reasons chefs get sent home on this show: incorrectly cooked proteins and improper seasoning?

* Aaron making more friends in the stew room, saying “shut the fuck up for a moment” to Katsuji, who sort of interrupted/commented on Aaron’s self-loathing. “Bread pudding is what five year olds cook.” My daughter’s eight and she hasn’t mastered bread pudding yet. Should I give up on her?

* Katsuji tells him, “people are starting to hate you, you know what, embrace it!” I couldn’t be the one people hated. Just be nice. It’s so much easier to be nice. Being this much of a prick would require a lot of effort.

* Mos Chef, Melissa, and Katie are the top three. Padma tells Katie, “I think your dad would be so proud of you and I’m sure he is.” Tom was wowed by her recovering from her mistake. Melissa gets praise for the simplicity of the dish, surprise of the bacon popcorn. Says she wanted refined and complex but simple and that didn’t make a lot of sense but I guess it tasted good. Gregory wanted to incorporate all the ingredients, make it all round and work with each other. He’s so freaking calm. I just played in a little concert in front of fifty people and I was more nervous than he gets cooking for his life on this show.

* Winner is … Mos Chef! The man is on fire. New York/Delaware reprazent.

* Ron, Keriann, and Katsuji are the bottom three. There are lot of relieved faces in the group of chefs who didn’t get called out. Tom says it’s all basic mistakes, of cooking meat wrong, of portion problems. Keriann, why cook without a pressure cooker? I’m glad someone asked. Hugh says it was really tough and something about not being a sabertoothed tiger, which I assume was like saying he needed a chainsaw to get through it. He also says Katsuji “needs to be a better editor.” Ron’s dish seems to get the most criticism – the soup wasn’t soup-like, the croquette was too big, and what they don’t say is that it looked unappetizing.

* Tom says even the two remaining need to step up your game to remain in the competition. Ron is eliminated. Messy dish. Soup looked like porridge on screen. “I’m better than what I showed today.”

* Ron is eliminated. “All these little miniature entrees that these kids are doing … that’s not what I do.” Yeah, but that might be what wins. And I’ve eaten Blais’ food – those aren’t miniature in size or scope. I’ve eaten at one of Hugh’s places and the same applies. That’s a silly stereotype.

* Rankings: Mos Chef, Mei, Melissa, Adam. I think Aaron’s going to last longer than we’d like because he provides drama, but he’s struggled in three straight challenges now. Bottom three: Katsuji, Katie (despite the comeback), James.

Programming note: I’m going on vacation starting next Wednesday, so I’m not sure when next week’s recap will be up.