Top Chef, S11E08.

I analyzed the Kinsler-Fielder trade for Insiders last night, and answered some questions on that and lots of other subjects in today’s Klawchat.

The stew-room discussion after elimination brings up an interesting note – Patty has only been cooking for three years, yet managed to get almost halfway through the competition. That’s pretty damn impressive.

We also get this exchange between Sara and Shirley:

Sara: I’m starting to think im a gooch
Shirley: What’s that? What’s “a gooch” mean?

Which reminded me that this guy was supposed to be pretty good.

* Quickfire: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame guitarist Dr. John the Night Tripper is in the house, aged 73 and looking about 20 years older than that, with an outfit that … well, I guess I just don’t get Louisiana fashion. The chefs have to make their own hot sauce in 45 minutes. Dr. John says it needs that flavor “and a hip tang to it,” and, “if it has flavor nicety of the highest order and it has tang nicety that mixes in, killer sauce.” Is that even English?

* Brian refers to the habanero as “ha-ba-NYER-o.” There’s no ~ there, Brian. Stop it. Carlos, who of course says it correctly, is only husing habanero hin ‘is sauce.

* Nicholas had his “first” ulcer at 20, implying there have been more, and says he was very nervous in his 20s, so he’s not a fan of very spicy food. I can relate, although I do like spicy food even though I can’t eat too much of it.

* Dr. John’s least favorites include Nicholas’ sauce with smoked apricots, cider vinegar, and coffee, which was too sweet overall; Carrie’s habanero and green mango sauce inspired by her Trinidadian mother-in-law’s recipe, which was “Trinideadly” hot (okay, Dr. John, that was a good one); and Nina’s “head-slammin’ over-the-top hot” sauce of habanero, ginger, and apple cider, which even Padma, who snorts powdered ghost chilies off a mirror in the pantry between takes, found too hot.

* The leaders were Brian’s green jalapeno/serrano sauce with lime and yuzu juices, which was “verily hip;” Justin’s sauce of half-roasted and half-raw peppers with fermented anchovies for an umami kick, which “clipped mah wings, slick idea;” and Carlos’ habenero, mango, and passion fruit, which “maneuver hit a lot o’ corners for me.” Brian is the winner because his “hit me the hardest,” according to the good doctor, giving Brian immunity for the second episode in a row.

* Padma looks very different during this Quickfire. I can’t figure out why. Still smokin’, just different.

* Elimination challenge: A whole pig comes in on a gurney. It’s boucherie time, with chef and restaurateur Donald Link of Cochon and artist/sculptor Toby Rodriguez, who hosted a boucherie on Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations two years ago. So we’re going snout-to-tail here, with each chef responsible for his/her own dish and the overall requirement that they use the whole animal. I’m not sure they actually did that, as the resulting dishes didn’t include the tail (fatty, but very tender meat if you can get to it) and I only heard pig ears once as a garnish.

* The effort involved in breaking down a whole animal like this is enormous, and they’re doing it with regular chef’s knives. I’ve never seen a whole hog butchered – wouldn’t you use different tools for this? Perhaps a saw?

* Meanwhile Sara is the backseat butcher here, yipping at Nicholas and the others who are breaking it down and seem to have a plan. I don’t have a lot of rules in my kitchen, but “don’t shout at the man with the knife” is one of them.

* Nicholas and Nina split the pig’s head. Nina wants to braise it for a ragu … but doesn’t that waste it? Head cheese, or testina, is a delicacy, emphasis on “delicate.” I don’t understand obliterating all that texture and flavor in a sauce.

* The editors faked me out with a red herring – we see Travis buying prefab dried ramen noodles at Whole Foods, which felt a hell of a lot like foreshadowing to me … but he skates on something that nearly always gets a chef sent home. It’s a competition. Make your own damn pasta.

* That night, the chefs return to their house to find Rodriguez and Link’s chefs cooking an indoor boucherie for them. I have no idea how maybe twenty people could consume that much food. I’m watching them, thinking I might be done after two items, only to see them putting away six or more plates apiece. A meal like that might give me stretch marks.

* Next morning, the chefs are drinking Dunkin’ Donuts coffee from a Keurig machine. I think I can speak for both Hugh Acheson and myself when I say that I am thoroughly disgusted by this disregard for the glorious Coffea arabica. You’re telling me none of these chefs brings a pour-over setup on the road? Come on. Step up your caffeine game, kids.

* And some drama out in the campground where the chefs are to cook: Justin finds a wood-burning grill, so he sets it up himself, lights the flame and gets it to his temperature, after which other chefs start to try to grab grill space, which he doesn’t want to share. He probably could have expressed that better – at least, based on what we saw on camera – but Nina’s response is “suck a dick, man.” Was that really necessary? Then again, she’s from St. Lucia, where it is actually illegal for a man to be gay, so maybe that’s perfectly acceptable to say in her worldview. Just not in mine.

* Alligator sighting. You gotta catch that and use the tail in your dish, Stephanie. It’s part of the challenge.

* Shirley says the boucherie reminds her of a shā zhū, an annual pig roast her family in northern China would hold every Chinese New Year. I have no comment on this other than that northern China just became far more interesting to me.

* Nina’s dish is “underwhelming” when she tastes it, so she adds adding cayenne at the last minute. That’s what I usually do – this dish is bland, let’s dump a bunch of heat into it so no one notices!

* Hugh’s back! And wearing a white shirt. Rookie move, Hugh.

* The dishes: Brian serves a porchetta (rolled pork loin, terrible for you but so very good) with oyster and shiitake mushrooms; Sara does a pork dim sum with crab and shrimp har gow; Justin serves tacos with wood roasted pork breast, pork liver, and salsa verde, earning some immediate comments that the meat is a little dry, probably from when his entire grill caught fire; Carlos makes his mother’s posole verde with fried chorizo tacos; and Shirley makes a “day-after Chinese New Year’s” jiaozi with pork shoulder, topped with grilled kidney and cracklins.

* Padma is giddy because the food is all so good. The shift in her character over the last five or six seasons has been enormous. When I jumped into Top Chef in the Vegas season, she was stark and often seemed rude. Now she’s at the other end of the spectrum, empathetic with ousted chefs and just generally enjoying one of the greatest jobs in the world.

* Back to the food: Louis does a pork leg with shiitake mushrooms and popcorn, of all things; Stephanie made a cured, grilled, braised pork belly, served in a pork brodo she made in the pressure cooker, topped with a summer vegetable pickle; Travis’ pork bone ramen with collard greens gets all over Hugh’s shirt; Carrie serves crispy pig trotters (feet) with snap peas and pickled onions, possibly with pickled skin too; Nicholas makes a “tête de cochon” (head cheese) rillette style, with lemon grass vinaigrette, wheat berries, and vegetables; Nina uses her pig’s head to make a ragout with mustard greens, crispy ears, and sweet corn spaetzle. I still don’t understand how you could taste the head, especially the cheek meat, in something that heavy.

* Judges table: Tom says it was the most enjoyable food he’s ever had in eleven seasons of the show. While I’m sure some of that is just how incredible high-quality pig meat and offal can be, the chefs obviously (from the judges’ comments) did a great job. Shirley, Nina, Brian, and Carlos all get some praise here, especially Shirley, whose dumpling alone might have put her in the top three. Justin’s meat was dry, and seemed to get drier as the party went on. Louis’ corn was too sweet and had texture issues. Travis’ ramen had good flavor, but the judges ding him for not making his own. Stephanie’s dish didn’t have much flavor.

* Justin is barking at the TV as they watch the comments. Hey Justin, I know you’re mad, but they can’t hear you.

* The top three are Nina, Shirley, and Carlos; Nina’s food must just taste really good, because I don’t know that she’s ever made anything that looked or sounded so good that she’d consistently be in the top three. Shirley talks about traveling three days on a train to her grandma’s house in northern China, to which Tom says, “I would travel three days for those dumplings.” Carlos’ mother made this pozole every Thursday; Hugh is gushing over it, saying the “structure was so perfect.” Tom says if Nina’s pork ragout isn’t a national dish of somewhere, it should be, maybe “Ninastan.” And the winner “by a very slim narrow margin” is … Carlos! Gooooooal!

* The bottom three are Justin, Louis, and Stephanie; I’m disappointed and somewhat annoyed that Travis could buy dried, packaged noodles and not even end up in the bottom group just for sheer laziness. Justin is defensive, but Padma says the pork was bland and two of the four judges said theirs was dry. Tom and Padma go out of their way to say that none of the dishes were bad – these were just the worst of a good lot. Stephanie reveals that she cured her pork an hour, grilled it, braised it, then glazed it, and grilled again to finish. Did she consider shooting it too, just to make sure it was dead? Louis felt like his “meat cookery” was good, channeling Dr. John there for a moment, but Link says the popcorn was unnecessary and Tom said the corn kernels’ skin was too thick. Hugh says it took away from the core idea of “treasuring that pig.” You slaughter a pig, you better be prepared to treasure it properly.

* Justin’s dish even looked dry on TV. I don’t love the lean cuts of pork, like the loin, for this very reason – we have bred the fat out of most commercial pork in this country, even the good stuff.

* Louis goes home. The ladies seem disappointed Louis is going. Stephanie also seemed on the cusp of elimination here; she seems unable to craft a plan up front that she can execute in the allotted time without losing her mind along the way.

* LCK: The two chefs to go French Market, but when they get back Tom cuts them back to just three ingredients. Louis wins despite a gritty, overthickened sauce. Was Janine’s dish too simple or boring? I’ll miss her accent more than her looks, to be honest. I’ll predict, boldly, that Louis isn’t running the table – and won’t be around for that much longer.

* Top three: Shirley, Nina, Nicholas, followed by Justin, Carrie, Carlos, Brian, Stephanie, Sara, and Travis at the bottom. I think Shirley’s far more likely to bust out something crazy in the finals than Nina is.

* Next episode: Restaurant Wars!