Top Chef, S10E1.

My buyer’s guide to the relief market is up for Insiders, and I’ll be chatting today at 1 pm EST.

This year’s opening-episode twist had the chefs broken into four groups, each visiting one of the four chef-judges at one of his restaurants, and competing in a challenge of that judge’s design. The producers also broke the show up by using Tom’s group as the main story arc of the episode, returning to them three times while presenting each of the other three groups in single chunks from start to finish. I thought it was a clever twist and didn’t involve sending home as many chefs as last year’s opener did.

* Group Tom features John Tesar, the “most hated chef in Dallas,” who gets off to a roaring start of arrogance; South African Lizzie Binder, who has a mad crush on Tom; and Jorel Pierce, wearing Rollie Fingers’ mustache.

* Tom’s challenge puts the contestants in his Craft LA kitchen for part of a shift, with each chef getting one specific task to tackle, like stuffing and shaping fresh tortellini (Lizzie, who seems to nail it), breaking down whole birds (Anthony and Jorel), or fileting fish (John and Micah).

* Micah makes a statement against self-interest by telling Tom he went from line cook to executive chef but never worked as a sous. Tom contemplates eliminating Micah on the spot by using a boning knife but thinks better of it.

* Rollie Fingers’ restaurant is “butchery focused,” then he screws up butchering the chickens. We can see where that’s going. By the way, friend of the dish Dave Cameron (also of Fangraphs) says that Rollie’s Denver restaurant, Euclid Hall, is excellent.

* Moving along to group two, we have another insane mustache, which must be some more Movember nonsense. (Seriously, you’re going to ask people to sponsor you for doing nothing? Growing a mustache is not effort. If you’re not dead, your facial hair will grow. This isn’t like asking people to sponsor you for running a 5K. It’s like asking people to sponsor you for going to the bathroom.)

* Anyway, group two’s judge is Emeril, who asks the contestants to make soup in one hour. What isn’t clear is whether they get any stock as an input, although from the results I assume they didn’t. I find it really hard to imagine a soup with the proper body if there’s no stock involved.

* Two of the chefs, Stephanie and Kristen, work together, live in the same building, and got the same tattoo. Then Stephanie clarifies that they’re not actually a couple, which the editing leading up to that point implied pretty strongly, right? Kristen has the look of a breakout candidate/fan favorite – she was born in Korea, modeled as recently as five years ago, is chef de cuisine at a Barbara Lynch restaurant (Stir) in Boston, and, judging by her performance in this challenge, is ready to kick ass. (Aren’t models usually pretty tall? I always assumed that would be a handicap in the kitchen because you’re constantly leaning over a low table.)

* Word of advice to all the male chefs in the audience: Do not go on Top Chef and risk missing the birth of your daughter. Not only does that disqualify you from all future Father of the Year awards, your wife will bust that out in every argument you ever have with her, forever. And no, I didn’t miss my daughter’s birth, before anyone asks. I just know these things.

* Jeffrey trying to quick-chill a gazpacho was one of the few moments of cooking drama in the show, but they sort of dropped the subject until service – the same with Josh plating his soup a good five minutes too early.

* Judging: Jeffrey’s gazpacho is cold and he gets the Top Chef jacket immediately. Kristen makes an English pea broth with scallops, crème fraiche, and lemon peel she poached three times to remove the bitterness, something that makes a pretty clear impression on Emeril (and was, perhaps, done to make just such an impression, a pretty slick move). She advances, as does Josh, whose soup was still warm enough and who gets points for sutble use of chili pepper to balance the sweetness of his coconut broth. Kristen’s colleague/tattoo-mate Stephanie goes home, as does one other contestant.

* Group Tom resumes, with John saying that because he’s in Tom’s kitchen, he needs to do stuff Tom’s way. That’s maturity speaking, and doesn’t quite fit with the arrogant front he showed in the comments at the top of the episode. He nails the halibut he’s preparing and advances on the spot, although the other four chefs in the group don’t know if he passed or was sent home. Incidentally, John reveals that he came up through the ranks with several chefs who’ve gone on to greater heights but saw his career derailed by “casual drug use that became self-medication.” So he’s an ass, but one we might root for anyway. I think.

* Group Wolfgang is the motley crew, featuring the foul-mouthed (even by Top Chef standards) ex-wife of the owner of Rao’s in New York, a Japanese woman whose parents don’t respect her career choice, and a guy bragging about being ranked #1 on Yelp. That’s like a baseball prospect bragging about being on the most fantasy rosters.

* The challenge: Make an omelette in 45 minutes with presentation counting very heavily. Puck says, “I’m such an easy guy as long as they do it exactly the way I want it.” Having seen him on several other shows, I’m actually concerned he’s too soft for judging on this show, and he ends up being (I think) the easiest judge to please in this episode, passing several chefs who screwed up royally.

* Chef Yelp uses bacon fat and produces a messy, greasy omelette. Carla ex-Rao shreds her omelette when it sticks to the pan, Tyler’s omelette is overcooked and brown all over. Eliza burns her first omelette and has to salvage her other ingredients from that dish to make a fresh one. They probably all should have gone home.

* Kuniko infused chamomile in the milk in her omelette, the one bit of innovation I saw in all six dishes. It’s like everyone panicked and forgot that you don’t win Top Chef if you’re not pushing the envelope somewhere.

* All but Chef Yelp advance, after which Puck shows how to make a proper omelette, the French way … in a technique I learned from a $10 Julia Child cookbook. How is it possible that none of the six chefs in this group knew how to do that?

(EDIT: I forgot to mention how Chef Yelp referred to Kuniko as “Origami,” which was both incredibly racist and unwarranted since she actually made the dish correctly. He could have been a great punching bag for me for a few more weeks if he didn’t suck.)

* Let’s face it – we’re watching primarily for Group Hugh, and the editors show it to us last because they know we’re not changing the channel until we see the Unibrow. His challenge to the chefs: Make a beautiful salad in 45 minutes. I like that it’s possible to pass this challenge without actually cooking any ingredients, although if you take that route you had better be precise with your flavors.

* Chef Bart is a knight in Belgium, and really, Hugh is going to mock him endlessly for this, as am I.

* Gina says she’s a ferocious tiger. She is also annoying. But she founded a community food program, so she’s noble, but still annoying. She also says that Danyele is dumb for flaming her tomatoes and that is cooking school 101 and it’s pretty clear that this point that the editors are telling us Gina will not be with us for much longer.

* Sheldon has spent nearly his whole life in Hawaii and worked his way up from dishwasher to executive chef, making him another early leader for fan favorite. Hugh asks for Spam in his salad, of course.

* Put the lid on the fucking blender, Bart.

* Judging highlights. Brooke does a kale salad with Brussels sprouts leaves, lemon vinaigrette, and fried kale on top, trendy across the board, so she advances on the spot. Sheldon does fried Brussels sprouts and gets dinged slightly for using an out-of-season ingredient and for using too little acid in his dressing. Bart’s salad is overcomplicated. Danyele’s charred tomato vinaigrette is a little overpowering. Gina is blatantly trying to manipulate Hugh in judging, and she ends up the only chef in this group to get the axe.

* Group Tom, finale. Rollie Fingers’ beurre monté is too salty. Anthony did too much damage to the duck and was too timid in the kitchen. Both chefs go home, with Micah (who recovered from revealing too much of his resume) and Lizzie advancing.
* Way too early top three prediction: Micah, Kristen, and John. I also considered Brooke, Jeffrey, Josh (who can cook with more focus when his pregnant wife dumps him), and even Kuniko for that one burst of creativity. I don’t think we got a great look at Tyler or Eliza – if they were players I’d need to scout them again before even forming a preliminary opinion.