Top Chef, S9E10.

Restaurant Wars! This show makes me more nervous than the finale, because I have yet to see a Restaurant Wars episode where neither team ended up in the soup and at each others’ throats. Edward even gets the ball rolling by trashing Sarah, which becomes doubly ridiculous when we see that he shows more respect to servers who forget to put table numbers on tickets than he does to a competitor who suffered from heat exhaustion in triple-digit temperatures.

As much as I like Restaurant Wars, however, there are fundamental flaws in the execution. This year, the producers split the challenge over two days rather than having the teams operate their restaurants simultaneously, which seemed like a big advantage to the team that went second. We always get two chefs handling front of the house duties, thus forcing them to hand off their dish to a competitor who will inevitably not make the dish up to the first chef’s standards (even ignoring, for a moment, the second chef’s incentive to focus on his/her own dishes, let alone the possibility of sabotage). The chefs are also forced to waste time on décor, which would be great if this was Top Design; are the chefs really judged on this crap or is it just product placement for the sponsors?

To the bullets…

* The men (the chefs were split into two teams by gender) name their restaurant “Canteen” and not one person drops a “You’ll need a tray” reference? I am disappoint. Anyway, as is typical of Restaurant Wars, the teams worry more about restaurant names than they do about execution, as in the case of the men, who forget about the need for an expediter because they’ve never watched “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.”

* Canteen’s menu seemed to take a page – or a whole book – from Thomas Keller with dishes called ham and eggs, Almond Joy, and Cracker Jack, and if you’re coming at the king of clever nomenclature, you’d best not miss. They missed, although the peanut butter “noodles” seemed like a cool concept that just didn’t work out.

* The diner who said she’s “not a big pork belly fan” but loved Paul’s dish has probably never had pork belly done correctly. Seeing him judged by the standards of his previous output is a bit unfair, since it seems like Below Average Paul is still above everyone else here. He’s also the one chef who, both in live action and in the confessionals, shows some actual grace under pressure, focusing on getting the job done while trying not to offend Ty or Chris J., both of whom failed in some of their responsibilities.

* Ty gets hammered on the Thai lettuce cups, but I was more weirded out by the caramel sauce – I know caramel is a big thing now in savory dishes, but I find caramel (which I love in dessert) so overbearing that I can’t imagine putting it in a dish where it might overshadow the main protein.

* Chris J. makes one dessert, and it looked kind of like a kid gorged on Halloween candy and then threw it all up before he could digest any of it. Even before considering whether peanut butter and cherries are a good combo (I’ll vote no), I would flunk that dish on presentation.

* Edward makes a chocolate almond dessert and calls it Almond Joy because once, back in the kitchen, it sat next to a coconut. Good luck with that.

* To the women, who named their place Half bushel (snicker) … It’s Sarah’s turn to be the villain, bossing everyone around like she’s been possessed by the spirit of Heather, even after she’s told everyone that they have to remain calm in the kitchen, thus flambéing her credibility with her colleagues.

* Did Lindsay just happen to have an outfit that coordinated with the décor of their restaurant? Did she just pick up a few separates at the interior design store?

* Every year on Restaurant Wars, we see the judges arrive at one restaurant when the host(ess) is in the back or otherwise absent. Is that staged? Although in this case, Lindsay was clearly spending too much time in the kitchen – I don’t think they ever showed Edward in the back – so it wouldn’t have been hard to have the judges show up when she wasn’t out front.

* Speaking of which, this was the ideal judges’ panel: Padma and three legit chefs, one of whom is Hugh, who had less opportunity for snark this week. Although one week they need to have Paddington at Judges’ Table, because he can do that cold, dark stare they do better than anyone.

* Grayson’s salad looked like a work of art, but was it too simple? Anyone could make that if you could get the produce, although Hugh pointed out that the cheese was at the right temperature, which I imagine is tricky in a hot kitchen. And good for Grayson for standing up to Lindsay multiple times.

* Why is Sarah firing three courses? Three chefs in the back, six dishes, so … check my math for me here … but isn’t that two per chef? I think Paul did the same, but of course, he’s a better chef.

* Did Lindsay actually explain Schaum torte to the judges, or was that just for our benefit?

* So, at judges’ table: Lindsay throws the team under the bus before learning they won. She seemed to have the worst individual performance. Her dish wasn’t well made (of course, not entirely her fault), but she was also in the wrong place much of the time she was on camera.

* The verdict: The women beat the men, and Beverly beats the women. Grayson smiles, Lindsay and Sarah are steaming like a couple of xiao long baozi. Hey ladies, maybe if you hadn’t tried to put Beverly in timeout earlier, this would have gone better for you. Meanwhile, Ty’s dull Thai wrap was … I’m not saying it. He’s been on the bottom enough times that I never thought he had a chance to win this thing, and while he may not have been the worst of the eight chefs remaining, he wasn’t top three material anyway.

* LCK: Make a dessert in 30 minutes, using one of the eliminated chefs as your sous. Nyesha makes a baked custard with coconut and lime. Ty’s “dark chocolate mousse” (melted dark chocolate combined with mascarpone) looked like pâté, an unappetizing color combo that I think gave him a distinct disadvantage against Nyesha, who wins yet again. (I did predict a long winning streak for her, and I believe this gives her four.) Very impressive to see Heather and Malibu Chris work as if their own fates were on the line.

* Final three: Paul and Edward, probably still Lindsay despite the bad week, but Grayson coming on strong (I feel like I thought she lacked range as a chef, but other than the modernist quickfire, has that ever really been accurate), and Nyesha a legit threat if she does end up the winner of LCK. But this is still Paul’s competition to lose.

* One final thought. Hugh Acheson’s blog post on this episode has Lindsay calling Beverly “fucking retarded,” and if that is true (I didn’t catch it), she should be ashamed of herself, to the point where producers should have considered whether to keep her on the show. Using the r-word in a pejorative sense is always reprehensible, but using it as a direct insult to another person’s face is worse than inappropriate, worse than unprofessional. We’re in hostile work environment territory with this one. So the prediction that Lindsay makes the final three is not a rooting interest.