Um, Bob…

This is priceless: Minnesota Twins should trade stars for Boston Red Sox’s cheap youth.

The article itself is bad enough – there’s a reason I don’t do “these two teams should make this trade!” columns – but here’s the doozy: Writer Bob Sansevere – a sportswriter for the St. Paul Pioneer Press since 1984 – says that the Twins should trade (among others) Carlos Silva to the Red Sox. Which would be a brilliant idea, if Silva hadn’t declared free agency about a month ago. But hey, don’t be afraid to keep track of the 25 players on your one local major league team, Bob.

(Hat tip to River Ave. Blues for sending the link.)

EDIT: FJM weighs in, and as usual, they’re funnier than I am.

Picking on Bill.

I’m an avowed Bill Simmons fan, but I have to point this one out:

Reason No. 12,349 why I love the NBA: In honor of Friday night’s historic Yi-Yao matchup, I successfully convinced the Sports Gal to order Chinese food and watched the first quarter while eating General Tso’s Chicken.

Um, Bill, General Tso’s Chicken is about as Chinese as I am. Maybe less so. (Sugar has always been expensive in China since the country had to import it, so it’s very unlikely that they would have used it in a savory dish like this one. The leading theory is that the dish we know was invented in the US in the 1970s.) Next time, try the twice-cooked pork belly if you want to get your zhen zhongguo fan on.

She’s not from Holland, mate.

Someone at the AP needs a spelling lesson, a geography lesson, or a slap upside the head:
Dutchess of York has advice for Heather.

The Yankee Stadium squirrel.

I can take partial credit for this picture. I was at the game last night, and when I saw the squirrel on the scoreboard, that caption was the first thing that popped into my head. Thanks to Chris for executing my artistic vision.

Second Life.

In the Snow Crash review I briefly mentioned Second Life, which is a very weak implementation of Stephenson’s Metaverse. I downloaded Second Life in the offseason after reading a slew of articles about how popular it was becoming. I messed around with it for about 45 minutes. It sucked. It’s hard to use. It’s beyond irritating to look at. And there is absolutely no point to it. I uninstalled it around minute 46.

Anyway, I finally got some value out of those otherwise wasted 45 minutes, because without them, I wouldn’t have appreciated this hilarious parody.

Roger Goodell won’t like this.

Someone mocked up a fake Myspace page for NFL commish. Very clever, especially the comments from his “friends.”

Also, I don’t follow the NBA much, but watching Lebron James stuff those last two wins down his critics’ throats has me giddy in a Bonds-just-homered sort of way. I suppose it’s nice to see that the mainstream media aren’t just tearing down the best players in MLB, though.

The “other” chat questions…

So it looks like some other folks had questions for me.

Deadspin: 1 p.m. MLB Insider Keith Law: How come no firestorm when David Wells opens his big yap?

Because no one can understand a guy who always has two hot dogs in his mouth.

David Hume: Keith, do you resent being overshadowed by your omnipresent, nearly omnipotent brother Johnny Law?

No, but the way my cousin Acie Law IV was getting all the love the spring was really getting under my skin.

David Hume: Also, is “the long arm of the Law” really that long?

Depends on which arm we’re discussing…

Stev D: Are you just Keith if you enter international waters?

And most people just assume I’m afraid of the ocean.

Zlax45: Ask Keith what he thinks about College Baseball and how teams always screw up bunting. He says it happens every time he goes to a college game that someone hits a bunt back to the pitcher.

Bah, a serious question – no fun. But the big problem I have with college teams bunting is that it’s a high-scoring environment with horrendous relief pitching. What the hell are you doing having your #3 hitter bunt in the first inning? OK, enough seriousness.

Phony Gwynn: Keith, If I fought you, would you win?

No, you know how the song ends.

Spaceman Spiff: Keith, are you going to answer baseball related questions or is this chat only for pretentious assholes to discuss their favourite foreign language books and sushi?

PS. what’s your favourite Manuel Altolaguirre poem?

Hey, watch your mouth – there’s nothing pretentious about us. Fin de un amor.